I thought I had nothing more to say about hot flashes; I was following that old chestnut of, “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say it at all.” It turns out they were talking about people, not hot flashes. So I’m free to blather on a little more!
I’m plagued by these episodes about ten times a day, and awakened by no less than five a night! I have tried pills, potions, and creams, and now I have resorted to denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. (Must I?) Here’s what rolls through my brain on any given day: Denial… ”Wow, is it hot in here or what?! Why don’t they fix this air conditioner!” or “Phew! I must be burning up the calories, my face is sweating like crazy!” Anger… ”What the hell! I just had ‘sweaty face’ like an hour ago!” “It’s not fair! Why me?! Some women don’t even get these things!”
Bargaining… ”I’ll be good! I won’t stress out; I’ll take black cohosh and maca everyday, I’ll eat more soy!” Depression… ”I’ll just sit here in my car with the air on full blast for the next ten years, don’t mind me.” “This makes me more tired than actual sweating. I think I’ll stick my head in the freezer again.”
My latest (most consistent?) tactic is to laugh about them. I carry around a fancy Japanese fan that I whip out if I am not near an air vent or frozen food aisle. I’ll usually exclaim in a loud Southern accent, “The vapors! Oh lordy, the vapors, do tell!” Other times I use my embroidered hanky and dab politely at my sweaty upper lip and say,”Don’t mind me, I’m just havin’ a little ole lady hot flash!”
See, I’m on my way to Acceptance…