Do You Speak Résumé?

I have become infected with a new slang. Thankfully it’s not the “whatever” and “totally random” that my daughter has been using with increasing alarm. It’s something I like to refer to as resumasian or resumeeze. After spending a whole weekend revising my résumé, I couldn’t help but get caught up in the madness. ‘Kids, clean up your room!’ became, ‘Your participation in this area’s home-based services would be appreciated. I’d like to see a 50% increase in order as we move forward to the next quarter,’ followed by, ‘Your team player attitude will be helpful as well.’ This was met with blank stares.

At Trader Joe’s, ‘I’d like to facilitate this transaction with a tried and true method of commerce. The result-oriented outcome of food acquirement will drive up production in my household, and allow me to continue my long term life sustenance goals.’ “Uh, so are you paying with cash or credit card, Ma’am?”

On a date, ‘As someone who is considered a risk taker, don’t let my extensive experience in family management and child education concern you. I provide excellent service with almost no downturn in production, and have become an expert in conflict resolution, financial planning, and needs based in-home care.” Check please.

Writing my résumé, I’ve entered a universe where everything I’ve ever said or done (or left incomplete) can be reworked, and like a Résumé Rumplestiltskin I can spin my work history straw into gold! Some of it makes sense and some of it is a load of crap, but it’s really up to the office manager or human resources guru to decipher what is real and what is only Fancy Nancy speak. Too bad it doesn’t work in my personal life history so I could rework my bad dates into ‘synergistic collaboration!’