January marked three years since my husband moved out and ended our marriage. Three years is not particularly auspicious, but I did think I’d be farther along in my “new life” as single mom and single 40-something. I did buy a sporty new car — though not the bitchin’ Camaro in bright yellow I really wanted.
I am still in school getting my Masters Degree in library and information science, trying to find a more practical career than the rollercoaster of animation production work. I’m still single, still neurotic (did I really think that would change?), still broke… and now, I must admit, still angry!
The question is, am I angry at him, myself, or just circumstance? The other day we were fighting over what time to pick up or drop off the kids, and he said, “Stop playing the victim!” I shouted back that I wasn’t a victim, and I don’t play, and what the hell did he even mean by that? (Other than he knew it would hurt me.) Is he mad women get more sympathy points in a divorce? Is he mad he didn’t get as many as me? Is he mad that I’m still mad? Is that what I’m mad about? It’s madness, I tell ya! He was never good with expressing his feelings, so I’ll really never know.
I just recognize that it’s damn hard to move on carrying an angry load around, and I want 2012 to be my happiness year! I think the anger got me moving forward, and now I need to let it go to keep going. 2012 is the Chinese Year Of The Dragon: “Expect this to be a very energetic year, filled with optimism, power and entrepreneurship.” I am going to add HAPPY to that list and give it my best shot.